Lawyer Jokes - Steven J. Scheinin

"Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession." --Anonymous

First lawyer: "You're an unmitigated liar." Second lawyer: "You're a lowdown cheat." Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed."

"It's better to enter the mouth of a tiger than a court of law." --Chinese proverb

What's the difference between a skunk & a lawyer that have been road killed? Vultures will eat the skunk.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A hooker will stop screwing you when you die.

A man loaned a friend $ 500. He then thought he needed a contract so he would be paid back. He went to his Lawyer & asked him to make make him one. Lawyer says " That will be $ 50.00 ( This is an old joke ) and it will be ready next week. Five years later the man was going through his desk and found the receipt for the $50 so he decided to throw it away, since the loan had been paid long ago, and then decided to take it to his lawyer and see if he could have some fun. He took it in and handed it to the girl without commenting. She took the receipt to the lawyer. Fifteen minutes later she came back & handed it back to the man and said " It will be ready Friday".

Our wrangling lawyers... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think they will plead their clients' causes hereafter, some of them in hell. Robert Burton. 1576-1640.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. -William Shakespeare. 2 Henry VI, Act 4, scene 2

There is never a deed so foul that something couldn't be said for the guy; that's why there are lawyers.

The law is not an end in itself, nor does it provide ends. It is preeminently a means to serve what we think is right. William J. Brennan, opinion, Roth v. United States, 1957.

Free government has no greater menace than disrespect for authority and continual violation of law. It is the duty of a citizen not only to observe the law but to let it be known that he is opposed to its violation. Calvin Coolidge, vice-presidential nomination acceptance speech, Republican National Convention, July 27, 1920.

When the law contradicts what most people regard as moral and proper, they will break the law, whether the law is enacted in the name of a noble ideal, or in the naked interest of one group at the expense of another. Only fear of punishment, not a sense of justice and morality, will lead people to obey the law. When people start to break one set of laws, the lack of respect for the law inevitably spreads to all laws, even those that everyone regards as moral and proper laws against violence, theft, and vandalism. Calvin Coolidge, message to Congress, December 6, 1923.

Pretty much all law consists in forbidding men to do some things that they want to do. Milton Friedman and Rose Friedman, Free to Choose, 1980.

Laws that do not embody public opinion can never be enforced. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., opinion, Adkins v. Children's Hospital, 1922.

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. Martin Luther King, Jr., Wall Street Journal, November 13, 1962.

You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can be held against you in a court of law; you have the right to the presence of an attorney to assist you prior to questioning and to be with you during questioning, and if you cannot afford an attorney, you have the right to have an attorney appointed for you prior to questioning. Miranda warning, Miranda v. Arizonia, June 13, 1966.

No man is above the law and no man is below it; nor do we ask any man's permission when we require him to obey it. Obedience to the law is demanded as a right, not asked as a favor. Theodore Roosevelt, message to Congress, January, 1904.

Please don't tell my mother I'm a Lawyer, she thinks I play the piano at the local bordello.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

The Pope and a lawyer die on the same day and arrive in heaven on the same day. St. Peter tells them he will take them for a tour. He takes them to a very nice room similar to Holiday Inn- and says "Well, Holy Father, this is your eternal resting place." He then takes them a room that looks like the Taj Mahal and says " This, Mr. Lawyer, is where you will spend eternity". The attorney looks incredulous and says "I don't understand. Why does the Pope get such a humble room while I am given a palace?" To which St. Peter responds" My son, we get a lot of Popes up here".

Terrorists have taken over City Hall, and they say they will release a lawyer every hour unless their demands are met!

"From his neck down a man is worth a couple of dollars a day, from his neck up he is worth anything that his brain can produce." Thomas Edison

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?

Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife
left me and my second one didn't. - Unknown

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." M. L. King, Jr.

If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.- A. K.Griffin

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Why did the Post Office just recall their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only One. The rest are true stories.

Free people, remember this maxim: We may acquire liberty, but it is never recovered if it is once lost. -- Jean Jacques Rousseau

If half the lawyers would become plumbers, two of man's biggest

problems would be solved. -- Felton Davis, Jr

Justice is incidental to law and order. -- J. Edgar Hoover

The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a

chance to do something stupid. -- Art Spander

To retain respect for sausages and laws, one must not watch them in the making. -- Otto von Bismarck

I am in the process of collecting non vulgar jokes and quotes about lawyers and the Law, Should you have a good lawyer joke, quote or phrase please e-mail me at: jokes@scheinin.com.